How to Be a Support System

While we often think of domestic violence as something that only happens with older people who are married, it can occur on college campuses too. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will suffer from interpersonal violence (IPV) at some point in their lives and college-aged students are at an increased risk to experience IPV (NCADV). In fact, college-aged (16-24) women have the highest rate of IPV per person (Break the Cycle). What can you do if a friend or someone you know is experiencing IPV?

Educate yourself— Addressing the issue of IPV is not always easy or comfortable to talk about, especially with those we care about. One thing to ensure you approach the person and the topic with respect is to make sure you educate yourself on the systems that contribute to IPV, what resources are out there, and the different types of IPV that individuals can experience. 

Listen without judging—Understand the limitations of your role. As humans, we all want to see our loved ones living their best and healthiest life. However, sometimes the only thing our loved ones need from us is to feel heard. Practicing active listening with your loved one can create a relationship dynamic where they feel safe, respected, and comfortable enough to continue sharing their experiences.

Encourage small steps— Often times we approach individuals that are experiencing IPV with the lofty goal of just getting them out of the relationship. While this is a noble goal, it is not always an option. For multiple reasons, some people who experience IPV simply cannot leave the relationships they are in. If you find a loved one in this situation, it is important to encourage small steps. This can be something as simple as just having a safety plan in place , creating and/or identifying support systems, having a “to go” bag ready at any given point, and/or saving money.

Avoid placing blame—it is very easy to fall into the cycle of victim blaming if you have not taken the necessary steps to educate yourself about IPV. All too often we find that the individuals that are experiencing IPV are having to defend themselves once more when their intentions are questioned. Questions like “why won’t you just leave?” “how could you be with someone like that?” place responsibility on the victim for their circumstances. While questioning is appropriate, be mindful of what and how you say things. Instead try questions like “What resources would you need to leave?” or “what about this person or relationship makes you want to stay?” 

Provide resources —The biggest thing you can do is make sure that your loved one is knowledgeable of all resources that are available to them. This includes national hotline numbers as well as local hotlines (2-1-1 Big Bend), shelters, and advocacy programs such as the victim advocacy program at FSU. Providing resources can also include giving them access to tangibles like keeping a bag of clothes for them, helping them get transportation i.e. bus schedules, ubers and/or lyfts.

Practice Self-Care—In the process of being a support system for your loved one, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. It is easy to get emotionally burnt out in ally positions such as this because you tend to take on the pain of the individual. You can offer help, but you cannot control how the individual responds to it—respect their process and know your limitations. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.